Sunday, 18 April 2010

tell me what can you possibly want when you've got it all?

Just got back from an insanely good holiday. I went to the most beautiful place called Santa Margherita in Liguria which is by the sea in italy. and the day after i arrived my best friend in the world came to see me. we rendevous-ed in silly little parks with no swings, and climbed on the rocks by the sea and ate too many ice creams and smoked too many cigarettes. we proceeded to milan the following day, where we got too drunk, spent too much money, smoked too many fags and had ten too many tokes on a surprisingly strong spliff. not good. then school. school. my old school. the most dysfunctional place in which anyone will ever set foot, ever. but that's why i loved it. seeing people go about their business the way i used to do. careless and completely and utterly free. i found myself inexplicably torn. i love my life. but i used to love my life too. i've always loved my life. and i feel guilty about loving my life now. and i feel guilty about having loved my life before. and i'm starting to realise that maybe i can't have it all, as i so naively once believed. but that, i think, is the stupidest thing EVER. i want to love my life. why should i feel guilty for what i've got? i want to love everyone in my life, whether they're with me in person or not. WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT BEING HAPPY? it's not fair. some people may read this and talk about how self-centered or brattish or ungrateful i'm being. but it's so fucking hard. loving too many people and trying to please everyone.

suddenly this post has changed from simply being about my holiday to about all the shit that i've been brooding over for the last 3 days. the short and short of it is that i went to school for two days, was in milan for 4 and got drunk everyday. then went back to the seaside, and basically left my life AGAIN. but this time i've come back. i didn't 'go to'. i came back. because i have a life here too. and i'm so lucky. and i feel terrible when i say, I WANT IT ALL. i want everything from here and i want everything from there and i want it all to work and to fit and to be wonderful and beautiful and pretty and shiny and free. that's what i want. so i'm going to go and get it.

buonanotte a tutti. siete bellissimi x

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