Sunday, 18 April 2010

tell me what can you possibly want when you've got it all?

Just got back from an insanely good holiday. I went to the most beautiful place called Santa Margherita in Liguria which is by the sea in italy. and the day after i arrived my best friend in the world came to see me. we rendevous-ed in silly little parks with no swings, and climbed on the rocks by the sea and ate too many ice creams and smoked too many cigarettes. we proceeded to milan the following day, where we got too drunk, spent too much money, smoked too many fags and had ten too many tokes on a surprisingly strong spliff. not good. then school. school. my old school. the most dysfunctional place in which anyone will ever set foot, ever. but that's why i loved it. seeing people go about their business the way i used to do. careless and completely and utterly free. i found myself inexplicably torn. i love my life. but i used to love my life too. i've always loved my life. and i feel guilty about loving my life now. and i feel guilty about having loved my life before. and i'm starting to realise that maybe i can't have it all, as i so naively once believed. but that, i think, is the stupidest thing EVER. i want to love my life. why should i feel guilty for what i've got? i want to love everyone in my life, whether they're with me in person or not. WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT BEING HAPPY? it's not fair. some people may read this and talk about how self-centered or brattish or ungrateful i'm being. but it's so fucking hard. loving too many people and trying to please everyone.

suddenly this post has changed from simply being about my holiday to about all the shit that i've been brooding over for the last 3 days. the short and short of it is that i went to school for two days, was in milan for 4 and got drunk everyday. then went back to the seaside, and basically left my life AGAIN. but this time i've come back. i didn't 'go to'. i came back. because i have a life here too. and i'm so lucky. and i feel terrible when i say, I WANT IT ALL. i want everything from here and i want everything from there and i want it all to work and to fit and to be wonderful and beautiful and pretty and shiny and free. that's what i want. so i'm going to go and get it.

buonanotte a tutti. siete bellissimi x

Monday, 15 March 2010

i don't get it.

i would really really REALLY like to know how i can still find him hot when he is dressed like this:

explanation anyone? i just LOVE him. so so much. he's just an insanely good actor. and the characters he acts are always my favourite. captain jack, willy wonka, mad hatter, sweeney todd, Tony in the imaginarium of doctor parnassus... you know... just WOW.

i'd like to say it again... wow

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Here comes the sun.

A lot of new things have happened recently.
Just thought i'd take the time to let a couple of people know a few things.

Sarina. My light is out. Light it for me yeah?
Lucy Rose Bliss. You.Bloody.Amaze.Me. You are a truly inspirational human bean.
Jack, please learn how to walk properly, and thanks for putting up with me :)
Hatkin, I'm here.

It also seems a few people are feeling rather down. I would just like to shed a little sunshine.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

My First Post

This is my first post and i'm not entirely sure how to start, so i guess i'll start with the basics.

My name is Rachel Emma Lee and i'm sixteen. I currently live in Winchester, but have also lived in three other places. Those of you who know me know that i hate my hair, even though the rest of the world loves it. Those of you who know me will also know that i'm not short, i'm FUNSIZED!

There are so many things in life that i love, which sometimes i forget about because i am quite a whiner, but honestly i think maybe once i see it all written down i'll appreciate things a bit more.

I love sunny days and warm evenings in the summer. I love gigantic endless blue skies that don't end and fairy lights and nice furniture. I love dancing and going to the ballet and finding lost things and the word serendipity and imagining stuff with people who get me. I love writing random stuff even when it's just words and finding pens that give you nice handwriting too. I love reading the first few pages of a book and knowing it's going to be a great one and listening to songs that remind you of your favourite people. I love days spent with special people and never forgetting that day. I love smiling at people and strangers smiling at me and when you are sitting in a public place by yourself and you think of something that makes you laugh out loud because you just can't stop yourself and getting random texts from people just telling you that they love you. I love the rainbows you see in glass and diamonds and i love shiny things like glitter and sequins. I love soft sheets and the cold side of the pillow and spending hours lounging around with friends in my room. I love going on holiday and skiing until it hurts all over and looking at old photos. I love reading and thinking about magic, and reading about magic so that sometimes i can go into a world where things are fantastical, and bad things just don't matter. This could literally go on forever and ever, so i'm just going to end with a few things that i super duper love.

I love laughing until it hurts and i'm literally dying on the floor, i love the look on sarah's face when i come through customs, i love huge hugs that mean a lot, i love my parents, i love my little sister even though she pisses me off, i love my big sister because i never see her anymore and i love the people who love me for being me, and i love the people who get me. I love telling people about my life in Italy and them actually finding it interesting. I love my memories of Milan and all the people i met there. And i really just adore my friends, because without them i simply would not be me.